No Child Left Behind: The Football Version

I recently re-read this blurb I sent out a year or so ago and given that more than half of the people on this email list weren't on it then, I thought it was worth sending out again:

I think this is a poisonous, borderline-racist attack on NCLB, but interesting to see what's circulating out there... It pissed me off enough that I took a stab at rewriting it.

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No Child Left Behind: The Football Version (original version)

1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th and 11th games.

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals.

If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.

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No Child Left Behind: The Football Version (my rewrite)

1. All teams must play hard and do their best. If a team is poorly managed and disorganized, it will be put on probation until it improves, and the coaches will be held accountable. The children and their parents will not be blamed for the failure of the coaches.

2. All kids will be expected to play. Obviously, some kids will play with more skill than others, but all kids will be expected to work hard and perform at a proficient level. Some kids may need to work extra hours to achieve proficiency. The coaches will be expected to put in those extra hours with the kids to ensure their success.

3. Coaches will not focus their resources solely on the handful of players who demonstrate unusual proficiency at an early age. Coaches will be held accountable for the success of EVERY player.

4. Games will be played year round, and statistics will be collected, analyzed and widely disseminated frequently.

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every kid learns the necessary tools to succeed.

Just because some children get ahead, it's not acceptable that many children get left behind.